How Not to Get Mad

This morning, my wife reminded me that we were meeting a friend's fiance and that "we shouldn't get into political discussions with them" because they "are very conservative" and I'm a liberal.

As advice for a first encounter, that's pretty sound. But I've often wondered why people get so angry when they are discussing issues about which they disagree? To me, that's the time issues are truly worth discussing. Talking with people who agree with us is often an exercise in self congratulation - "Of course! You understand what I'm saying." On the other hand, talking with people who disagree with us, particularly smart, well informed people, gives us the opportunity to learn something (ahem, exchange truth for error and CHANGE OUR MINDS). Moreover, if it turns out that we're correct, the discussion develops in us a keener grasp of the reasons for thinking that our position was correct.

But we do get angry with one another. And I think there are three basic reasons for our anger.

1. We take (and defend) positions on issues that we don't know anything about.

I used to ask my moral philosophy students at the University of Utah, "How many of you think Roe v. Wade was incorrectly decided? As you may have guessed, what with the University of Utah being in Salt Lake City, and with Mormons being among the most morally and politically conservative citizens of our country, most would raise their hands in agreement with that proposition. But when I asked "how many of you have actually read the Roe v. Wade decision, virtually no one had - most of them didn't even know that Courts publish their decisions, which include their legal reasoning.

That's a fascinating phenomenon. People develop amazingly strong feelings about issues over which they have not spent five minutes in open-minded reflection - never listened with an open mind to what the opposition has to say. I suppose if I had really strong feelings about an issue that I knew absolutely nothing about, and somebody challenged my view, I'd have no choice but to get angry.

2. We think of ourselves as members of a team.

A most basic human impulse is tribalism. We adopt positions that seem true to us - even if our positions are not grounded in any facts or arguments that we have been exposed to. We then naturally associate with people who agree with us. People who disagree with "us" are seen as outsiders and "others." They become suspect, and are thought of as dangerous. When we're defending our views, we're also defending our "team," which, to a significant extent, anchors our identity. Attacks on our views are attacks on us, on me and my team, and on our identity. That would make anyone mad.

3. We don't like to admit that we are wrong.

This is self explanatory. People feel diminished when it appears that they are wrong - or simply uninformed - about an issue that they have developed strong feelings about. Anger is a very easy way to distract ourselves from this fact. It is probably the best method of distraction available. There's an old adage in the law: If the facts are against you, argue the law. If the law is against you, argue the facts. And if both the facts and the law are against you, raise your voice and pound your fist on the table! That summarizes the strategy perfectly.

Any solutions?

1. Go out of your way to find the best arguments being made by the opponents of your strongest and most dearly held views. Interpret these arguments as charitably as you can and then, respond to them in your mind. And if you can't, or can't find another thinker who can adequately respond, CHANGE YOUR MIND. This will go a long way towards diffusing the possibility of you getting angry in any discussion about your views.

2. Join only one team - the "truth" team. In the introduction to his refutation of Plato's theory of the forms - which was integral to Plato's theory of knowledge and theory of being - Aristotle wrote, "Plato is dear to us, but the truth is dearer still." Consider all other allegiances subordinate. Our attitude should be, "as long as we're seeking the truth, and acknowledging the truth when we discover that it is contrary to what we currently believe, I'm on your team. You're dear to me, but the truth is dearer still." If we do this, we'll have no cause for anger during any discussion.

3. We should enter every discussion, and begin reading every book, with the attitude that our current views may be wrong. We don't think they are wrong, but they may be. And if they are wrong, we want to know it. Again, if we do this, we'll have no cause for anger during any discussion.

Joe H